Repair, Restore, Repeat... A Lesson in Human Focused Conflict Resolution
“When used effectively, restorative practices contribute directly to employee retention, creativity, motivation, and overall enhanced organizational success.”
Improving Your Work Culture Through Restorative Practices
We don’t talk enough about a key part of effective leadership: repairing harm. Whether it is two competitive co-workers, an employee whose supervisor has overlooked a major contribution they made, a CEO who has casually made a biased comment in a meeting, or any other type of conflict or misstep that arises in our daily lives together, one thing is certain...conflict happens and harm is often caused. This is a significant problem given that relationships are at the very heart of everything we do. When they are out of balance, we feel a deep sense of worry, confusion, distrust, and insecurity that is detrimental to our personal well-being, immediately detracts from our leadership effectiveness and impedes the overall success of our team.
Consider this. I just had the opportunity to spend several days on vacation with my family. While we were there, my son asked me several times to "fix" something for him - his watch, his suitcase zipper, his sunglasses and so on. Each time he came forward with something that was "not right" or "broken", he came with a look of concern, worry, or holding his breath that he might be in a little bit of trouble for not taking better care of his stuff. As soon as he was able to tell me what was wrong and I listened, and once the item was adjusted or "fixed", you could feel his immediate sense of relief, gratitude, and a renewed readiness to go about his day. As I reflected on my interactions with him, I couldn’t help but think about all the times something has been "broken" or "off" in my various relationships. It starts with that feeling in my gut…something is not right. “What did I do wrong?”, “I think she is mad at me.” “Should I approach the issue with him?” Sometimes I try to ignore it, overcompensate for it, or just push through. But often that gut feeling doesn't go away. Instead, it grows...and grows. Our differences widen, our sense of purpose becomes splintered, our clarity on next steps becomes murky, and we start to feel just plain bad. That is when I start to realize, “I’m going to have to do something about this.”
Lesson: The weight of conflict has a detrimental effect on each of us. And as uncomfortable or scary as it may feel, finding a way to address it constructively is critical to our well being and our success.
Enter Restorative Practices (RP)
Restorative practices is the art and the science of bringing people together in community utilizing a set of interventions intended to build, maintain and repair harm in ways that foster deeper human understanding, clear personal accountability and compassionate moments of listening and learning from one another.
When we learn how to address conflict and harm utilizing restorative practices, it leads us to prioritize our relationships so that we can find our way back into balance with one another. As a result, we feel more secure in those relationships and stronger outcomes quickly follow and often increase exponentially.
Why does this happen?…Because process matters. And, walking through the fire together attempting to repair harm reminds us of our own humanity, our connected humanity, and our collective power to make a greater difference when we feel re-centered.
In addition, restorative practices includes tools and interventions that should be woven into the very fabric of our work and community culture. When used effectively, RP contributes directly to employee retention, creativity, motivation, and overall enhanced organizational success.
“That’s all well and good, but…”
The first concern I hear when I bring forward the idea of restorative practices is "I can see where that would work for some minor disagreements, but not for this". Or, “While that sounds nice, it seems like it is probably too idealistic and not concrete enough to produce the results I need in this situation.” Or, “Even though I think it could work, I am not sure we have the time to dedicate to this right now.”
When I talk about restorative practices, I am not envisioning all of us sitting around in a circle pretending like we forgive each other and all is better. RP takes an intentional emotional investment, a willingness to be accountable and vulnerable, and a commitment to real following through. In terms of time, yes, RP takes a little bit of time, because the intent is to get to the root cause and address the harm fully. However, the amount of time it takes is well worth it, especially if you consider how much time is wasted when people avoid each other, tip toe around the truth, or are experiencing increased frustration with each interaction.
Three Key Practices
There are three specific aspects of restorative practices that I would like to delve into a bit deeper. Each of these takes intentionality if we really want to bring our team into (or back into) alignment.
For starters, the word "restore" is a misnomer in this work because that prefix "re" means “to do it again". However, if you have studied RP at all, then you know that before we talk about repairing harm, we must start by building space within our organization that centers our humanity, allows us to clarify our roles, relationships, and expectations of one another, and encourages us to define shared values that we can all embrace. According to the International Institute for Restorative Practices (IIRP), approximately 80% of "restorative practices" work should be proactive in nature. This means building intentional efforts into our work that help us define and clarify our shared culture. And this cannot be a one shot deal. We need to regularly and intentionally incorporate these practices into our daily routine so that we become and stay connected.
For example, this might look like a simple go-around of “check-ins” or celebrating recent wins at your next team meeting, a periodic dialog as a group about our recent progress and areas of challenge, or a simple text chain that provides a place to go to give each other regular kudos for small daily wins and to recognize big milestones. In your home, this might look like a weekly family meeting to reflect on your struggles and celebrate your wins. At my house it looks like a go-around at dinner where each family member must share the "best part of the day", "the worst part of the day" and "one thing they are looking forward to". It doesn't need to be monumental or deep all the time either. Sometimes the best answer is "I am looking forward to getting in my bed tonight!" The goal of these proactive techniques is simply to build a norm of dialog that requires all members of the group to dial in, be heard, and to hear the thoughts and feelings of the others to whom they are connected and depend upon.
If we make restorative questions and dialogs part of our ethos and our regular interactions at work, then we avoid a build up of conflict or frustration and instead create an environment in which people become more willing to have honest conversations when they cause harm or feel hurt by the actions of others.
Making space for these deeper questions and truly listening to the answers can be the difference between wasted time, wasted resources, and disappointing outcomes and real progress, natural synergy, and team success. Using simple reflective questions that invite relational feedback are best. For example, “Can you tell me how you felt when I presented my plan at our meeting yesterday?" "What have you thought about since then?" "What would help you be able to move forward feeling more aligned with the team?” Another example, "What happened in that meeting this morning from your perspective?", "What was the hardest part of that conversation for you?”, and “Who do we need to connect with to make things right?”
Keep in mind, the primary goal is to be able to share and listen with trust and vulnerability. Ultimately, people want to feel heard and they want to know that you are prioritizing your relationship with them in spite of differing opinions, difficult decisions or whatever else might be going on at the time. So do not stress if these processes are not immediately met with neat and tidy answers.
Hint: The relationship building opportunities I mentioned earlier lay the groundwork for this to happen from a place of deeper connection and vulnerability. And “vulnerability" is a key word here. Every single one of us desires to be in a relationship with others. We don’t typically want to upset people off or make them feel bad and we sure don’t like it when others think negatively about us. In fact, as humans, most of us truly want the same things from each other: to feel heard and respected, to know we matter, and to be in community with one another.
Sometimes things go REALLY off the rails! In a moment, someone says something that intentionally or unintentionally lights a match of distrust, hurt, or even hate. All of a sudden, people go silent, productivity comes to a grinding halt, dysfunction sets in, grudges form and we are left with what feels like irreparable damage to our interpersonal relationships, our team or our family. What now?
I have had the privilege of leading restorative processes for folks experiencing the deepest of divides, in the aftermath of sexual harassment, in the wake of bigotry and racism, following deep-seeded family conflict and after overt attempts by co-workers to sabotage one another. The root issue is the same - harm happens, people retract, mistrust takes over, accountability is necessary, healing will take time but also needs a starting point. Like the root issues, the priorities of RP in these situations must also be the same. There must be an honest desire to repair what has been broken, a sincere willingness to hear another person’s perspective (even when it stings and even if the feelings are messy), a real commitment to taking accountability for any harmful words or actions, and an openness to what others in the group need to make things right again.
When these conditions are present or we work to build them, then repairing harm and restoring relationships is possible. Organizational and community healing is possible. Social change is possible. This level of intervention is best facilitated with the help of someone certified in restorative practices work. As facilitators, we have been trained deeply in the research and methods and can ask questions about what happened in an unbiased way. We can also help participants honestly reflect on their intent vs. impact, courageously name the harm they have felt or have caused, and hopefully agree upon what is needed to help everyone feel whole and connected once again.
More often than not, everyone will not come out holding hands, and there is no expectation that trust will be magically restored at that moment. However, the process centers brave dialog rather than allowing harm to simmer and create a toxic culture, and it provides an intentional space in which expectations, values, and shared goals can be realigned.
The bottom line
Fortunately while I was on vacation with my son, I was easily able to “fix” his broken sunglasses and with some effort, I was able to help him repair the zipper on his suitcase. And, like I said, once he shared his concern with me and we worked through the problem together, it created a sense of relief and connectedness for him that helped him enjoy his vacation to the fullest. The type of attention, care, and handy work that relationships require looks a bit different than the items I was fixing for him because we are human. But the outcomes can be very similar - a sense of relief, a mended relationship, a more focused and carefree path forward, a renewed sense of purpose for you or your team. This is what restorative practices can add to your organization’s leadership story. And if we make time to intentionally incorporate these practices into the foundation of our work, our collective success and all the hard metrics we need to deliver will still come, and they may just come more easily.
If you or your organization would like to talk more about restorative processes or if you are interested in training for you or your team to lead restorative circles and conferences, please consider B. Education Strategies. In addition, if you have a current conflict in your organization that would benefit from outside support, we specialize in offering these services in a variety of educational, non-profit, and corporate settings. I welcome the opportunity to work with you to help your community thrive.