The Strength in Saying "Yes!"
“What if we thought of seeking help as simply extending our own web of resources and expanding our knowledge base?
Similarly, as we strive to accomplish lofty goals, what might we be capable of if we view accepting help as simply a regular part of the leadership process?”
Every woman knows the drill: “How are you?” “Fine”, “Do you need any help? “No, I’m good”. “Can I bring you something? I know you are busy!”...”No, it’s ok. Thank you though.”
What if instead of putting on a brave face, we truly believed we were stronger when we said “yes” to these types of questions? What if we accepted the truth that usually when we let our guard down enough to let others help us, we walk a little lighter, feel more connected and ultimately we expand our own capabilities and refill our own cup…which often we then turn around and use to help others in need!
First a story. At my house, our youngest daughter is in a phase of “I do it MYSELF!” I so appreciate her independent nature (can’t imagine where she gets that from…) and I know there will be plenty of times her tenacity and/or stubbornness will serve her well. But sometimes, the struggle to “do it myself” is painful to watch, especially when i can see her getting tired, frustrated, or giving it her all. It is clear to me in those moments that just a supportive little nudge would get her across the finish line. But she is stubborn, so when I try to interject with an offer of support, it is met with the words of “No”, “I’ve got it.” or “Don’t help me!”
As I reflect on my own growth edges, one thing I know for sure is that I am often the stubborn, 44 year old version of my toddler! Let me provide some examples. A colleague notices that I’m juggling one too many balls and asks, “Is there one of those priorities that I can take off your plate?” A friend calls and says, “How are you…really?!” Another mom notices that I am struggling to carry a diaper bag, stroller, sports equipment, and my coffee and says, “Is there anything I can do to be helpful right now?” At my best, I say, “Yes, I would love that”, “Yes, I am actually feeling pretty overwhelmed!”, or “Yes, I would love your help, can you please hold this!”…however, all too often, my response is some version of “I do it myself!”
The truth is I am not good (and you likely aren’t either) at saying “yes” to help when it is offered. Let’s explore why that is and why we should all be saying, “Yes!” more often.
When I started researching this topic to find out how we, as women in particular, can be better at saying yes to support, one of the first articles I read was by Lori Arnold, broker/owner of Caldwell Banker Apex. She stated clearly, “The word “No” stifles originality, new thinking, and progress toward goals we have not even set yet!” This rang so true to me. First, let me say, in many contexts, saying “No” is incredibly important (and equally hard to do) to protect our health, our bodies, our sanity. However, there are some situations in which saying "no" can be incredibly self-limiting. And, as Arnold so aptly captured, I know that when I am juggling more than I can handle and when I can’t see straight because of the number of competing priorities in front of me, saying “yes” to a simple gesture or to a BIG offer of support would give me the gifts of space, time or connection that are needed for me to be my best and to accomplish all that I hope to achieve.
Saying yes to help is so much easier to teach than to practice
I spend many of my days trying to convince independent, high achieving college students the importance of help seeking. I watch them struggle with their mental health, but not reach out to the Counseling Center; trudge through calculus problems for hours, but not comfortable contacting academic support to get a tutor; or applying for jobs endlessly without asking Career Services to review their resume or help them prep for their interviews. My advice to them is this: society teaches us that asking for or accepting help is a sign of weakness, it means that we are not smart enough, capable enough or gritty enough to do it on our own or that we must be the only one ever to actually need help. Then I quickly tell them, all those support resources I just mentioned wouldn’t exist if we could do it all ourselves. And if other people weren’t taking advantage of them, they wouldn’t require appointments and employ multiple staff members! Finally I ask them this: “What if we thought of seeking help as simply extending our own web of resources and expanding our knowledge base?” Similarly, as we strive to accomplish lofty goals, what might we be capable of if we view accepting help as simply a regular part of the leadership process.
But how about taking my own advice? Another article I came across recently was from Propelwomen.org. It is entitled “Seven Ways Women Leaders Grow” and it states, “For many women, asking for help is a challenge. Some believe that they will be seen as weak. Some believe that it will be seen as a sign that they can’t cope. Some even believe that others will then find out they are really not good enough.” Yep, yep, and more yep…
So let’s think about this idea critically for a minute…take someone you admire the most, be it someone in your personal life that you look up to or a public figure that you have seen triumph on a huge stage. Would it change your opinion of them if you learned more deeply about their story and discovered the names of all of the people who helped them along the way (family, therapists, coaches, supervisors, friends, mentors, etc.)? Would it change your opinion if you learned that at some point that famous actor who just wan an Oscar actually failed to be selected for some key roles prior to that one and reached out to an acting coach for extra support? Would it make you think less of your favorite olympian to learn they had a therapist to support their mental health, or that a teammate helped them train extra on the weekends just so they could shave a second off their time? I venture to say it would not make you think less of their talent, accomplishments, or character. In fact, secretly, it might actually make you appreciate their struggle, their humanity, and the reality that whether it is us managing our kids, job and crazy day-to-day life or Serena Williams crushing it on the tennis court and at home….we actually have something in common…we are stronger when we accept help and lean on our supports!
Consider your saying yes as a favor to someone else
If you still aren’t convinced as to why you should say “yes” to help more often, I offer this. How many of us feel good when we are able to help someone in need? It is in our nature to want to pick someone up when they are down, to send flowers when people experience loss, to reassure another overwhelmed mom when her kid is melting down in the grocery store just like ours was last week, to see someone take our advice and watch it work for them. Supporting others makes me feel whole, happy, and like I matter. Between you and me, it also assuages my guilt about saying “yes” the next time someone offers to help me! The inspiration for this post was actually a run of the mill interaction with a friend. She recently had a baby and was at home with her family figuring out life with a new human and a toddler. I offered to bring them dinner. It was EASY for me. I ordered online, stopped and grabbed it a mile from her house and pulled up in her driveway all in under 30 minutes with delicious food. I felt great knowing they weren’t going to have to think about what to make for dinner and that they were going to be able to enjoy it and not have to worry about a bunch of clean up afterward. When I arrived and we started chatting, I so appreciated her honesty as she said, “A few years ago, I would have said “no” to your offer. But I am working on it. It is hard to accept help!” My reaction was that this was the best part of my day! I thanked her for giving me the opportunity to do something nice and to fill my own bucket! If she had said “no”, not only would she possibly have been scrubbing a pan with spit up on her shirt and a crying baby in her arms that night, but I guarantee that I would have gotten home with less pep in my step than this opportunity allowed me to leave with! So if you need to think of sayin “yes” to help in this way to get yourself over the hump…do it!!! People like to be helpful…so believe them and take them up on it when they tell you they want to support you!
Let's have this post serve as a pact for all of us as women leaders to commit to saying YES more often!
Yes to ourselves. We deserve to feel loved, cared for, supported. Yes we are strong, talented, intelligent, and yes, even after all of that, help would be nice, would increase our bandwidth and would lighten our load.
Yes to authenticity and vulnerability. Yes, I am feeling tired, overwhelmed, discouraged or lonely. Yes, it is really hard some days, and YES, I could use some extra support right now. I know sometimes when I am having a rough day, and someone asks me how iI am doing, I have been known to respond with “Living the dream!”…with a healthy dose of sarcastic laughter behind it. That is usually code for “Things are a bit off the rails, I’m overwhelmed or feeling frustrated!” Let’s commit to not talking in code and instead just calling it like is. Let’s use real talk to name how we feel and what we need to feel whole again!
Yes to offering help wherever we can. If a colleague, a friend, or a family member asks for help, let’s remember that it might have taken some real courage for them to do so. So, let’s respond with a “yes!” to offering each other help whenever we can...let's truly be each other's villages.
Moral of the story
When we are riding the struggle bus, staring down a problem with no solution in sight, or just trying to keep from spilling our coffee while carrying the soccer bag and pushing the stroller…let’s try to remember (and remind each other) that 20 minutes later when we are crushing our goals and looking like a professional mom, coach, and coffee drinking bad ass, we aren’t less of one because we let a friend help us get to the field.
Happy Women’s History Month!